(Ripped from alittlemercerie)
I guess, we all have the ability to become magicians whenever it comes to love. Be it rejection or being rejected, the feeling of unreciprocated love or the task of letting someone down actually causes many of us to perform some sort of 'disappearing act'.
To be honest, I myself is a magician too. I do 'disappear' whenever someone just decided to push me aside even before I had the courage to confess. I mean, I just felt embarrassed that someone managed to read through my heart before I expressed my feelings. It was meant to be a secret till the day I decided to open up. So regarding this type of one-sided love, I believe many of us will choose to disappear. To avoid feeling embarrassed.
I too 'disappear' so as to avoid people whom I could not get myself to return feelings for, so I wouldn't have to waste my brain juice and think about all the excuses that I have to come up with to avoid going out with them. Yesh, this is directed to a certain someone. I'm sorry for not replying you the whole day (I think l replied you less than 5 messages a day, LOL), but I couldn't get myself to do it. :3 Yes, call me selfish.
And yes, not only me, but the people around me too disappeared too. For instance, my poppyflower who decided to disappear from Earth during the whole June holidays. Perhaps she flew to Mars to find her penguin family. I don't know. On a serious note, the people whom I used to hang out with, just pooffff. And disappear from my sight.
People come, people go. I am just not used to it.
M. I remembered how close we were in J1, and I'm sorry for everything. We have too many differences in life. I hope your life is better now without this bitch like me in it. Even though I always brushed across topics on you, I can't help but feel terrible. It was only right for you to 'disappear' on me. I just can't accept it. Yes, it has been long, but still. This just kept lingering in the back of my head.
I often experienced the unfortunate event of meeting someone that I hope to love, and so I entertain the idea for a few dates. Yet, butterflies turned into moths. I feel nothing. There is W, whom too 'disappear' with just a message that said byebye, whom had not contacted me since that byebye message.
I guess this is nobody's fault. Not that I'm pushing the blame to others, but love can't be forced. Developing feelings for someone is not anyone's fault. Wanting different things and not being able to return their feelings is also not anyone's fault. I realised, loving is hard. Because there isn't any scientific theory or evidence to prove love.
So in a nutshell, the best way to avoid everything is just to perform a disappearing act. Long messages became a few words. The emoticons that once decorated our texts became non-existent. And suddenly, we were all too busy to hang out. Then poof, we vanished into thin air.
But that's bad. After experiencing such incidents, I realised how unimpressive disappearing acts are. Being anxious is the worst feeling ever. Your thoughts are consumed with the word 'maybe'. Maybe they are just too busy. Maybe I said something wrong. Maybe they accidentally read my blog and found out something that they are not supposed to know. Maybe they just hate me. Then following that, you will start stalking them on Whatsapp (checking out their last seen), Instagram, Twitter or Facebook even.
I hate this feeling. Honestly.
And whenever I attempted another conversation with them, either they gave me short replies (some even one word answers), or they just disappeared again. Great, whatever the reason is, leaving people in the dust is an indirect way to make someone feel like they are unimportant. As though their presence is insignificant. As though their feelings don't matter. As though they are disposable even, and you have found a substitute for them.
They drive me crazy.
I have been trying to control and pretend that everything is alright, and that they are just too busy with their studies to reply you (to even forget your birthday and not wish you at all, not even a text message although we see each other in school everyday). Yups, this is not directed to a certain someone, but a whole bunch of monkeys.
I yearn to go back to the past, where we often shared great conversations, where the laughters that we often have never fails to colour and brighten up my dull and mundane life. But what happened?
I just hope that people are honest with one another, it is easier to let go this way. Because now if you can ascertain their feelings for you, and you will find it easier to move on. It was over, and there is no use hanging on to the past. You may not be able to control how you feel or how people treat you, but you sure can control how you treat others.
I appreciate those who came into my life and invest their feelings in me. Maybe their rate of returns are lower due to the high interest rates, but I really do appreciate it. It takes guts to put yourself out there looking stupid. I had experienced this so I know how it feels. You really need courage. Some people come into our lives and want to give us their hearts. The least we can do is help them get over you.
Love is selfish.
Thank you for taking time to read my lame blogpost on 'disappearance'. Just some random thoughts that I had over the past few days during my hibernation. Maybe it doesn't make sense to you, but I just want to pen down my thoughts.
Losing him was blue like I'd never known
Missing him was dark grey all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know
somebody you've never met.
