It's like walking on broken glass, yet oblivious to the pain.

22 December 2015

Woke up super early at an unearthly hour 6am. My habit is to check Whatsapp the moment I wake up, and surprisingly, some of my OG mates were 'alive' as well and were buzzing about receiving results later on. I was still in the drowsy mode, and I could not process whatever they were saying, but I pulled myself out of bed to ready myself to get out of house to meet Yangfan to send him off.

Anxiety of receiving my results in a few hours has not sink in yet, as I just rushed around so as to not be late. Yangfan was fetching me from Sembawang in a cab, and I didn't want the cab to wait. (I mean, taxi can't wait LOL).

Chatted lightheartedly with Yangfan in the cab as we reminisced the past. It has been 8 months since we last met / communicated, and I was pretty much worried initially that we would be awkward. But I'm thankful for its non-existence, and we chatted amiably like how we did in the past. (:

The moment we reached the airport, my phone started to vibrate violently. I stared down at my phone, only to see a message from an unknown sender. I clicked into the message without thinking much, and poof my result slip were thrust right in my face (I subscribed the SMS service).

I read and reread the message many many times, hoping that I had actually seen it wrongly, but no. The grades remained.

What have I done wrong?! I studied like there's no tomorrow for this. I studied harder than I have never before. I studied. I put in my 101% effort this time. But why does the grades and hard work not correlate?!?

I was struggling inside. I wanted to bawl my eyes out. However, I was trying hard to hold back my tears, and at the same time put on a cheerful front so that Yangfan won't be worried. Yeahs, my mind was in a mess because I felt lost. I have no idea what am I supposed to do.

Sorry if I show anyone attitude that day because I wasn't really in the mood to do anything. I just want to faster get home and bury my face in my pillow and cry until there's no tomorrow. I just want someone to tell me that 'hey, we keyed in the wrong grades.' But okay yanqi, fat hope. That's so not going to happen.

Such terrible grades did not allow me to get into my desired major. T.T I was despondent. Reality struck me hard, and I realised that reality and interest are often two very different things. I like what I'm studying, but I do not have the capability to continue.

I am afraid. Darkness engulfed me and I see no light in front. What if I failed the placement test? What will happen to me then?

This must be one of my lowest times. To be honest, during my JC years, when I see my own grades (highest being a mere pass), I did not even feel as dejected as now T.T Why is everyone around me so smart?! Why is everyone able to start with such a high CAP but I'm just stuck with a freaking low CAP even after S/U-ing?! Why is everyone I know able to meet the prerequisites for Psych major but me?!

I'm just lost.

I don't know what to do. I just want to restart Semester 1 all over again, and do it well.

Regrets.

(Smiling in front of the camera)

(Well done, photographer)

(Come photographer, I give you a clap)

Asked someone to help us take a photo but the photographer ended up taking ONLY two photos with such quality. As Yangfan was rushing to catch his plane, we decided not to retake the photos. T.T

Regrets.

Some people are going to leave.
But that's not the end of your story.
That's the end of their part in your story.

Christmas isn't Christmas till it happens in your heart.

Merry Christmas everyone! :DDD

However, this Christmas certainly doesn't feel like Christmas to me. I remember myself telling Amanda that we should challenge ourselves by taking pictures with 12 Christmas trees. But arghs, plans failed terribly because we were all too busy to meet up T.T We didn't manage to take picture with any tree?!?!

And I was supposed to play Secret Santa with my JC clique, but because I had some family matters that I skipped the gathering. T.T Ohgeeez. Weina, your present is still sitting at a corner of my desk, collecting dust. LOLOL! Need to meetup with her soon, ohgawd. And I haven't gotten mine from Eve. Sighs.

But I'm looking forward to another gift exchange with Huiqi next Tuesday! Woohoo! But anyways, speaking about gift exchange, tada! :D

(Presents!)

LOLOL, keeding. Everything here belongs to my mum LOL, but the biggest of them all is mine. :P Thanks Yangfan for the lovely Christmas chocolates (and the belated birthday gift after a good wholly 8 months?!)

And I enjoyed a great meal at Pizzahut. :D Took lunch and dinner together because I had a heavy breakfast and wasn't feeling hungry till 3pm. LOLOL! Unhealthy eating habits zzz.

(Disappointed with their soup because it is cold T.T)

(The Star Pizza was just mediocre, but their Hut's Platter tasted as scrumptious as ever!)

(Add on: Prawn Aglio Olio)

And my mum got so interested in this dish that after the meal, she was frantically trying to find recipes for Aglio Olio LOLOL! [UPDATE: Her first attempt at whipping up the dish failed terribly. I have no idea what I'm tasting. T.T Poor me!]

(Christmas Cake checked)

Hahahahas, and this year I ordered Christmas Wonderland cake from Mr Bean because the soymilk cake caught my attention (and also because I am a fan of lychee cake, but Prima Deli do not have lychee logcake anymore this year T.T) But LOLOL, I find this a tad too sweet, but overall still okay bahs! :DD The glutton us finished the entire cake in 2 days, ohgawd.

(Pear Cider)

And what's Christmas without my favourite cider? Hahahahahas, cheers! :DDD

When we both fall asleep,
Underneath the same sky,
To the beats of our hearts at the same time.
So close, but so far away...

My thoughts are wing'd with hopes, my hopes with love.

Merry Christmas Adam (Eve)! Hahahahas! :D Okay, sorry I am #lameshit. Spent the entire day with my family at the hospital accompanying my grandma. Although this year I didn't do all my usual Christmasy stuff (such as go Orchard Jalan Jalan -.-), but it's okay. We can always go Orchard every other day. What matters most is that everyone is in pink health. (:

A treat from mama @ Paradise Dynasty. (: Yay to more xiaolongbaos!

(My favourite)

(Close up of these little ones)

(炸酱面 与 红油抄手面)

(扬州炒饭)

(Red bean pancake)

Simple things like this made me feel blessed. But arghs, should order one less dish because I felt bloated again after I walked out of the restaurant. When school reopen next year, I swear I'm going to have salad everyday for lunch for a month at least. Tsktsk. ._.

(Supper at Starbucks)

Dark mocha frap and Java chip frap. (: I think I can drink Starbucks every week without getting sick of it. Hahahahas! Hope everyone has a blessed Christmas!

I like those friends that you don't have to

Talk to everyday but you're still good friends

Even if you go for weeks without talking.

Anyone can love a rose, but it takes a great deal to love a leaf.

與其讓愛情破壞我們之間的友情，我寧願一直當妳的假男友

蔡旻佑 Evan - 假男友

當時沒有想到 我們會變這麼好
是誰先說 你好 已經不是太重要
分享彼此煩惱 開開對方的玩笑
有聊無聊都聊 有事沒事都打擾

妳是我 最愛的朋友 我是 妳的假男友

不管別人怎麼誤會 說我們是一對
妳總是笑我牽累 造成妳沒人追
像對戀人在約會 卻不擔心會不會…
難得 關係完美 誰都不准犯規

甜言蜜語不對 過度浪漫會反胃
當妳叫我寶貝 我就覺得妳喝醉

妳是我 最愛的朋友 我是 妳的假男友

不管別人怎麼誤會 說我們是一對
妳總是笑我牽累 造成妳沒人追
像對戀人在約會 卻不擔心會不會…
難得 關係完美 誰都不准犯規

不管空氣怎麽曖昧 在一起多登對
保持在安全範圍 我們都沒吃虧
像對戀人在鬥嘴 卻沒想過要親嘴
神聖愛情很美 友誼卻更珍貴

難得 這麼完美 就不要搞鬼

Kiss her scars and massage her aches.

(Ripped from Tumblr)

"Balance is the key, in everything you do.

Dance all night long and practice yoga the next day.

Drink wine but don't forget your green juice.

Eat chocolate when your heart wants it and salad when your body needs it.

Wear high heels on Saturday and walk barefoot on Sunday.

Live high and low. Move and stay still.

Embrace all sides of who you are.

Be brave, bold, spontaneous and loud

and let that complement your abilities to find

Silence, patience, modesty and peace.

Aim for balance.

Make your own rules, and follow your own path.

Don't let anybody tell you how to live according to theirs."

---

But I don't see the balance between hard work and grades.

I want to make memories all over the world.

Feeling a little emotional today. Mind's running wild with thoughts I deemed stupid, but apparently I hold no control over it. :/ I guess some things were not meant to be, so it is useless to keep hoping. I must really learn to let go...

And sorry to both my cliques for not being able to join y'all for outings / celebrations. >.< December holidays are too short for me to get any proper thing done. Sighpie. *excuses* This must be the most unproductive holidays in my entire life. I hate myself for not being able to plan my schedule ahead and spread things out evenly. I'm feeling so freaking tired everyday, I need a break to recharge myself. Seriously.

I want to enjoy reading my book over a cup of coffee in a air-conditioned room where I can just lie down on my sofa. I won't mind even if it is at home, I can create the ambience myself just fine.

But the problem now is, I am not at home 99% of the time. And when I am at home, I am ordered to do the housework. What is life. Sighpie.

Went Farmart, Choa Chu Kang for dinner with my family today. But even the food is not being 'cooperative' with me. It used to be my favourite tzechar eatery, but now the standard of the food dropped so terribly that I'm never ever going back again. Never. Hmphs.

(Featuring my unappetising food)

(Close up of the sambal squid)

Stingray, sambal squid, 铁板 tofu and kailan. Small portions but overall bill amounted to $52 for four persons. Whut. Damn expensive for such quality food. :/ The stingray that I had with Vivian last week at East Coast Park was soooo much nicer than this. Wts. How did Farmart even manage to burn the stingray sia?! I cannot comprehend. Seriously.

I'm annoyed with everything now.

Just like humans,
No matter how pretty these roses are,
Beauty doesn't last forever.

Stop and stare. I think I'm moving but I go nowhere.

Backlog.

My home is in a mess, and there are so many things that I need to fix. T.T From leaking taps, to spoilt aircon, to sofa showing showing signs of aging with its split lines and all, to fused lightbulb, to collapsed shoe rack. Omaigawd. Sobs. So I just went for my second sofa shopping this week, and whoopee! We finally bought a new sofa already, and I can't wait for delivery! :DDD Didn't know sofas actually cost so much. T.T It didn't quite tally with the amount of money I paid last time for my current sofa. #whathasinflationdonetous 

(IKEA feast)

Hehehes, had a good feast at IKEA with my daddy and sister. Ordered a lot and we left the restaurant feeling bloated but exhilarated. ;D Anyways, I like shopping in IKEA because it never fails to amaze me with its wide variety of cool furniture, allowing me to form a mental image of how my dream home will be like. Dreams~

(Supper)

Hahahahas, so we bought three of this super nice cake from some atrium sales for supper too. The cakes are icy pear flavoured, and I like the refreshing taste that it left lingering in my mouth. :D #happykid96 Cheers to nice food all day, all night long!

The way you choose to understand and
Perceive the world tells me more about you
Than anything to say.

Faces in the crowd will smile again.

Third buffet of the month! :D The fat life chose me omg. Hahahahas! But this time, no regrets. The food is super tasty, and the service is on-point. (Y)

Tung Lok Restaurant, Orchard

More commonly known as 同乐

(Look at mama's candid smile)

(Family love)

Because Daddy's back in Singapore after a good whole 4 months, we brought him to this restaurant after hearing good reviews on it. (: Daddy loves Chinese food. Hahahahahas!

(Salmon, octopus, cereal prawn, jellyfish appetiser, pork ribs)

(Chilli prawns, fisk skin)

(Marmite chicken)

(Soup)

(Second plate of cereal prawns!)

(Second serving of pork ribs)

(Prawn paste chicken and 口水鸡)

(Tofu with scallops)

(I forgot what is this LOL)

(Siewmai)

(Beef)

(I don't know what)

(Carrot cake)

(Maki rolls, har gow and cereal prawns again LOL)

(Peanut glutinous ball ball)

(The many bowls of herbal jelly and 桂花菊花!)

(Ice cream puffs)

This was so good that we ordered a total of 5 servings. Do your Maths, hahahahas. We ate 5x4=20 ice cream puffballs. What are calories!? Hahahahas!

Food, food and more food! Dayum! Super yummy I swear, it is like the most worthwhile buffet (~$33.50 nett weekday lunch) because everything is of super high quality. But remember to call and make reservations first because LOLOL full house easily. Really, you can have my word for it. The food is really 赞! I am really, really happy now :DDD *on cloud nine*

It won't be in vain
To swallow all your pain
And learn to love what burns
And gather courage to return to

And I can't imagine two worlds spinning apart, come together eventually.

Out with Idris the other day. (:

Picked him up at Admiralty before we headed down to Orchard together. LOLOL, keeding! He just hopped onto my train luh. Anyways, spent a few minutes 'arguing' because we had differing opinions on what a MRT cabin is. LOLOL Like whut.

Had Popeyes for lunch at ION Orchard, and LOL I ate until damn unglam and he had a lot to say about me T.T Geez. Go away, annoying.

Then we roamed the streets and malls of Orchard, admiring the pretty scenic Christmas trees and all. Felt very Christmasy, but I guess strolling down Orchard Road at night will give off an even bigger Christmas vibe. Anyone wanna go Orchard with me soon??? Hahahahahas! (:

(Guess what)

And he actually suggested we take a picture of our reflection on one of the Christmas ornament on a Christmas tree. T.T Hahahahas! Whut. I'm getting judged by everyone.

Had a great time as we explored the different parts of Orchard where yours truly had not been there before. Hahahahas! Favourite moments at Kinokuniya because he simply cannot stop criticising all the books we came across. Omg.

(The highlight of the day)

Ice cream buffet @ Swensens! (: YAY to more food! Hahahahas! There's quite a variety of ice cream flavours to choose from and we ate 20 scoops of ice cream. I think that's considered quite little because the buffet costed us $23 per pax? Had waffles and cakes tooos. :DD

The experience is not bad because nobody chased us away even though we camped there for quite awhile. And special thanks to Idris because he is the first guy who would actually suggest to help me take a picture, and LOL, he even said "I included your nails in the picture". Whut even. LOLOL! Speaking of that, check out my nails! Hahahas, I'm loving the colour. (Y)

Impromptu visit to Marina South Pier. #explorerkiddos And woo! It was actually an eye-opener, and the ignorant me just realised that we can actually take a boat ride down to the Southern islands of Singapore. Hahahahas! (: I shall add this to my bucket list.

(Port)

(Restaurant on a ship?!)

We continued walking down the long long pathway and ventured to this cool place under the drizzle. My shoes are wet, halp. Thankfully I decided to change out of my flats to my sandals before I left the house. LOL! (:

(Caught the sunset)

We watched the clouds, we took in the breathtaking sight of the sunset. It was pretty amazing. The other side of Singapore that I have never known. I had a great time. Hehehes! :DD

So often in time it happens,
We all live our life in chains
And we never even know 
We have the key.

And hold on to your words cause talk is cheap.

Spending most of my time this week running from hospitals to hospitals, from my own doctor appointments, to visiting my ahma for she has been hospitalised, to accompanying my mama for her toe checkup (she broke her toe if you remember), to arranging surgery for my ahgong. :/ And LOL, in a mere two weeks, I visited three different hospitals. I'm dead tired, arghs. Hospitals are boring. The waiting time is long and the wifi connection sucks. And hahahas, I forgot that yours truly is underage and cannot sign the consent form (?) to discharge my ahgong from the ward. Lmao. Chaos ensued as I tried to get my parents down to the ward to discharge him -.- Omg. Okay, I suck.

(Breakfast)

Yesterday's heavy breakfast with mama at Lot 1 after her polyclinic checkup. Yumz, first time eating E.A.T. and I think their fishball noodles & minced pork noodles are delicious! Thumbs up. Hahahahahas! It comes with coffee/tea as a set for only $4.20 and $5 respectively. I think not bad luh! :DD

Recently, I have been living a super unhealthy lifestyle and it irks me alot. Drinking bubbletea almost every other day, settling meals with fast food, desserts and all the sweet treats. :/ Ahhhh, this is what you get when your Daddy returned back from overseas and he was afraid that I will starve to death or something.

But ohwell, 时间都去哪儿? It has been 14 days into my holidays but I still think I haven't really been enjoying myself lately? :/ There's quite some things running along my mind, like planning my modules, which are quite a hassle and limits my brain capacity. Zzz, sighpie. LOLOL, am I hard to please? Hahahahas! School also complain, holidays also complain. LOLOL! (:

Had bingsu the other day with my sister because she made a fuss about wanting to try this. Younger siblings are annoying ohgawd. Hahahahas! >.<

(Bingsu with the little kiddo)

(Westgate)

Go try this! I think this shop's bingsu are not bad. Hahahahas! (: But they should do something about their elevated flooring, zzz. I kept tripping over it?!

All of the wasted time,
The hours that were left behind,
The answers that we'll never find,
They don't mean a thing tonight.

The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades.

(Capturing the moments)

A really enjoyable day to the East Coast Park (ECP) with my giffen last Wednesday. :DDD So glad to see her after so long. Hehehes, more happy memories in the making.

(What a beautiful orange ^^)

Woke up super early to head to her house to surprise her with a board and flower for her belated birthday celebrations. P.S. First time to her house and I had a hard time with my stupid GPS T.T Technology and me just can't go together sighpie. :/ But anyways, I finally reached her block area only to find that she just left her house. Ohmaigawd. Called her to ask her uturn back to her house. Walao, surprise failed. T.T 

(Monster Curry)

Headed to Nex for lunch at Monster Curry after a short nua-ing and camwhore moment. My virgin experience at this place, and I ordered a Level 2 to share with Vian because I think I better start low first. Hahahahas! (: And yay, I think the food is great. The next time I will challenge myself to level 3.

(Lost in the woods)

(Breathing in the sea breeze)

Without further ado, we quickly head to ECP via bus! :DD It was great weather, cloudy with no sun. However, the heat was killing us T.T Seriously. We rented bicycles and I was trying to find my balance on the bicycle from area C all the way to area D. Somebardy slap me please. T.T #burdenyanqi

(Spotted this cute sandcastle)

Hahahahahas, I think I wasted too much energy trying to get both my legs on the pedals and geez, I was super hungry. So I made Vian stop and grab a cup of sugarcane with me. LOLOL! (: Okay, I'm really a burden. But if we didn't take a break, we wouldn't have spotted this beautiful sandcastle! By the way, the sandcastle reminds me of our AJC's sandcastle building competition (?) event. Hahahahahas! Ahhh, memories, memories. I miss my JC class. T.T

(Selfie moments)

(The sun is blinding us)

Made Vian stop again, and we went to explore this breakwater. Okay, nothing to explore but I just want to take pictures. Hahahahahas! (: I was suddenly reminded of my Secondary Geography teacher Mr Eugene Lee, who used to keep rattling on about breakwaters. LOL! (: Anyways, the boyboy who helped us take the picture seemed a bit reluctant. #sorrynotsorry And the wind is super strong and my hair kept slapping my face. >.<

(Smiling like a retard)

(Deep in thought)

Continued to cycle for a little while before I stopped Vian again because we were trying to find some installation. But sighpie, after much finding and asking around, we learnt that the installation was taken down earlier this year. Zzz, why didn't we come earlier?! :(

(Am I step yet?)

Cycled all the way from area C to area F before cycling back. We passed by this Bedok Jetty and we decided to get off our bicycles again. LOL! (:

(That long stretch of road behind us)

(Vian said I was too black because I'm decked in a black tee and denim shorts LOL)

(Check out the view behind us!)

Hahahahas, the sun was setting and we decided to faster ride back to the bicycle rental shop. But before that, let me take a selfie first. Hahahahas! (: Shameless yanqi just spammed her photos in Vian's phone. LOL! 

(Action 1)

(Action 2)

(Action 3)

Walked back from area C to E after returning the bicycles. The road was long but I think it was actually quite romantic to take a stroll down the 'park'. I enjoyed the dimmed lights and the feeling of fresh sea breeze caressing my face. If only, I was with my future boyf and not Vian. Hahahahahas! :D

(Yummy stingray)

(Dinner feast for the night)

Finally reached area E (where the hawker center is) after what seemed like eternity. T.T Tired die me. I think we walked and burnt more calories than cycling itself. Hahahahas, :3

Got trapped in ECP because we refused to walk back to area C to take the bus home. However, thank goodness we still have some detective traits and we managed to find a busstop to get out of this place. Seriously ECP should build more busstops. Tsktsk.

It was indeed an incredible day and I really enjoyed myself. It has been a long time since I went outdoors to the parks and beaches ever since my Langkawi trip, so I felt even more during this outing. :DD Thanks for everything bae, and for tolerating my nonsense for cycling because it is just not my thing zzz. 

There's no dancing around it.
I crawl into the fire then fan the flames,
and I can't stand it.
But I don't have the strength to burn the page.