22 December 2015
Woke up super early at an unearthly hour 6am. My habit is to check Whatsapp the moment I wake up, and surprisingly, some of my OG mates were 'alive' as well and were buzzing about receiving results later on. I was still in the drowsy mode, and I could not process whatever they were saying, but I pulled myself out of bed to ready myself to get out of house to meet Yangfan to send him off.
Anxiety of receiving my results in a few hours has not sink in yet, as I just rushed around so as to not be late. Yangfan was fetching me from Sembawang in a cab, and I didn't want the cab to wait. (I mean, taxi can't wait LOL).
Chatted lightheartedly with Yangfan in the cab as we reminisced the past. It has been 8 months since we last met / communicated, and I was pretty much worried initially that we would be awkward. But I'm thankful for its non-existence, and we chatted amiably like how we did in the past. (:
The moment we reached the airport, my phone started to vibrate violently. I stared down at my phone, only to see a message from an unknown sender. I clicked into the message without thinking much, and poof my result slip were thrust right in my face (I subscribed the SMS service).
I read and reread the message many many times, hoping that I had actually seen it wrongly, but no. The grades remained.
What have I done wrong?! I studied like there's no tomorrow for this. I studied harder than I have never before. I studied. I put in my 101% effort this time. But why does the grades and hard work not correlate?!?
I was struggling inside. I wanted to bawl my eyes out. However, I was trying hard to hold back my tears, and at the same time put on a cheerful front so that Yangfan won't be worried. Yeahs, my mind was in a mess because I felt lost. I have no idea what am I supposed to do.
Sorry if I show anyone attitude that day because I wasn't really in the mood to do anything. I just want to faster get home and bury my face in my pillow and cry until there's no tomorrow. I just want someone to tell me that 'hey, we keyed in the wrong grades.' But okay yanqi, fat hope. That's so not going to happen.
Such terrible grades did not allow me to get into my desired major. T.T I was despondent. Reality struck me hard, and I realised that reality and interest are often two very different things. I like what I'm studying, but I do not have the capability to continue.
I am afraid. Darkness engulfed me and I see no light in front. What if I failed the placement test? What will happen to me then?
This must be one of my lowest times. To be honest, during my JC years, when I see my own grades (highest being a mere pass), I did not even feel as dejected as now T.T Why is everyone around me so smart?! Why is everyone able to start with such a high CAP but I'm just stuck with a freaking low CAP even after S/U-ing?! Why is everyone I know able to meet the prerequisites for Psych major but me?!
I'm just lost.
I don't know what to do. I just want to restart Semester 1 all over again, and do it well.
Regrets.
(Smiling in front of the camera)
(Well done, photographer)
(Come photographer, I give you a clap)
Asked someone to help us take a photo but the photographer ended up taking ONLY two photos with such quality. As Yangfan was rushing to catch his plane, we decided not to retake the photos. T.T
Regrets.
Some people are going to leave.
But that's not the end of your story.
That's the end of their part in your story.
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