(Ripped from 8tracks.com)
Yes, I am not okay.
Because this negativity in me is dwelling up so much, yet I don't have the courage to tell anyone how I feel. I guess penning my thoughts down would be a better way to relieve all these negativism in me. And yes, I am trying my best to be positive here. I am really trying.
Today, I was waiting for someone's texts the entire day which never came until late at night, and even so, he only replied for a few texts before he went missing in action again. The entire day I was waiting, waiting and waiting. I didn't dare text him again to sort of remind him to reply me. I don't want to be seen as an annoying person who keep pestering people to reply me. Yes, I admit I am desperate. But I guess, I should put myself in his shoes. I myself too late reply people rights? So I shouldn't be petty and get angry over this kind of small little things rights? But it was freaking annoying to see him active on Instagram yet he did not have time to reply me? I kept telling myself that he's just busy, I kept repeating that over and over like a mantra. But I'm going insane.
I don't want to irritate him. What if I irritate him too much and he decided to abandon me? I don't want to be abandoned again. The feeling is unbearable. I nearly exploded and I questioned him about his late replies, but I guess sanity sets in quickly and I quickly saved myself by sending another comment to make it looked like I'm joking. But in reality, I'm not. I'm not okay. I want to know the reason behind why he late reply me. Is it because he finds that I am too controlling? Or is it because we talked too much and now there's nothing much left for us to say?
Lousiest excuse ever, but it was justified I guess. People used it to break off all contact with me. Not one, but two. Well done yanqi, you are only worth that lousy excuse.
But okay, I won't ask. I don't want to know. I rather things remain status quo than to get abandoned again. I hate it when insecurity crept in. I am loved rights? I looked through my blog pictures and see many smiling faces. I am really loved rights? People smile when they are with me rights? I want to remain hopeful.
I need people around me. I am too dependent and probably cannot survive alone. I hate heading to classes alone. I hate walking alone. I hate studying alone in school. I hate eating alone. For the past few weeks, I have been surviving on waffles for lunch because then I can walk while eat. I don't have to sit down at an empty table, stare into space, and wish I don't see anyone I know. I just hate being alone.
For the past few days, I have been questioning myself. Am I really such a bad person that people just don't want to be associated with me? Omg, yanqi you are really pathetic.
If anyone I know personally ever happens to read this post, don't ever ask me anything. I am strong, I will recover. It is just that the feelings invoked at that moment were too strong that I have to pen it down.
Dislocated, I lie awake.
Suffocating in my mistakes.
I lost my halo when I fell from grace,
but maybe next time I won't throw it all away.
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